Crazy emotions from and for my ex? help pls?

Ok, well to make a really long story short, i met this guy at my job like 2yrs ago and some change, i totally blew him off in the nice way that i do and he kept trying to get my number anyway he could, i even told him i was totally gay witch is 1/2way tru but he looked and acted like a player, so i avoided so finally i gave in 1date had me head over heals 4 him and i so loved him so much but i relized he started to become super jelous and insucure with me and even really disrespectfull the way he talked to me and treated me, and i am NOT perfect by the way, i have a temper and im not being big headed but i am very pretty and he is not what u would picture me with but i loved him anyways that **** doesnt matter to me, i am very friendly and he already knew that but i never will cheat, so he wanted to controll me alot and i didnt go out 4 five mnts so then i did go out and i was drinking alot he had my car and my girl wouldnt take me home and he wouldnt *** get me so i stayed with her, NOTHING happened and he totally freaked over that and still to this day says i hit that, and we broke up a mnt later bc we were so miserable and he never trusted me, then i find out he moved on with his reseptionist who is younger than me, i was 22 and am now 24 she was just freshly 18 now 20 and he was 30 now 32 so i was so pissed then i natrally umed he was cheating on me bc he used to stay late at work alot, so i went crazy and acted stupid calling him all the time and being a crazy x :( and i just wanted him back i loved him so much couldnt understand how he did that? so then he changes his number after telling me i gave him a disease? HORRIBLE! so i got checked, totally clean! so now i kno he cheated, then he called me 1 time a mnt for 5 mnts kept me like puppet! then came back 5 mnts later and i took him back like a dum ***, then we stayed 2gether 4 like another yr and allways either reall happy greatttt allways or real miserable bc i have a temper and he is so jelous controlling and imature and insecure, so we broke up i told him he had to move out, he did eventually and we been split 4 like 4 mnts the first 2 we still we seeing each other then i couldnt handle the diary reading and phone checking and snapping! so for 2 mnts i told him move on were done do what u gotta do, he went crazy like i love u so much girl pls dont do this even cryed i never seen him cry, then i broke down after 2 mnts a strongness and had with him bc i didnt want to change partners and he promised that he didnt sleep wit no one, so the very next day after im feeling like mayb it mite work if we can change, and i find out he called the girl that was his reseptionist, oh and back then when we got back 2gether she got him fired so then he was jobless wit no car at my crib! so he called her and he lied to me 2wice b4 admitting it then said he aint nobdy when i can feel he did! he said he wnna make it work and he called her to say hi, simple as that and i was hurt so i told him hes liar allways has been and i love him and didnt want to do this anymore, i havent heard from him in 5 days no txt no calls and i wont call him! how and why do i still love him a nd miss him, but hate him and want to beat the **** outta him all at the same time? i deserve better i know i do, 2 years a BS and hes so easy to move on and bang out ? why r men such dogs!! :(