Can somebody please give me advice without judging me?

Wow! This is really heavy duty stuff! My heart breaks for you. You're dealing with so many issues all at the same time. You need to sort through them one at a time, so here goes. First, you've got to know that your family is obviously "dysfunctional". Not your fault, o.k? You can't control what your mother or father does or for that matter, what your boyfriend does. The only person you can control or change is yourself. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your Mom regarding her actions around the boyfriend, particuliarly the outward display of affection centering on "ual". Holding his hand, arm in arm, or a quick kiss here or there is one thing, but being ual in front of you is not o.k. and she needs to know this. She also needs to know how important it is to you for the two of you to have mother and daughter alone time. Tell her these things with love. If you can't tell her face to face then write her a letter and hand it to her to read. Next, regarding your father. He's mentally ill so there's not much you can do for him except understand where he's at in his head and stop blaming yourself for his bad behavior. The name calling is horrible and is called "verbal abuse". Please don't take on his name calling as truth. You are none of those things and you know it. So don't personalize it. Let your father know that although you love him you will not accept the abuse and that if he continues you will have to limit the amount of time you spend with him, which is already not enough but perhaps that's a good thing considering how he uses that time to belittle you. Remember, you can't control him and what he says or does but you can control you and how you choose to react to him. It will protect your emotional and mental health. I don't know how old you are because you didn't mention it but if you are a young person, and I'm going to ume that you are, I want to caution you about getting involved too soon in romantic relationships. You may be using those relationships as a temporary replacement for a family. What you need right now is a relationship with yourself. You say that you want to be happy and love yourself. That's exactly what you need! Right on! Whew! You see, you aren't the shitty person you think you are. You are really quite smart and together but you aren't giving yourself the credit due. You not only deserve to live, but you deserve to live with happiness. Therefore, you will need to create your own happiness starting with you. Now, what I suggest you do is get a notebook or journal. Begin to write down all the things you want from life. It could be 1.) A happy family life 2) Better self esteem 3) Better relationships with friends and family etc. Second, take each want and write what you think it will take to achieve it. For instance, with 1) A happy family life, you could write "I want a mother who shows interest in me by doing things with just me. Perhaps by going to the movies or shopping with just me. Then write down how you might accomplish that. Example: Write down a day on the calendar and then ask Mom to spend a few hours that day with only you. Find out what's playing at the movies and suggest to Mom that the two of you go. Or maybe go to lunch, or whatever. You need to make a plan on each point and then move the plan forward. At this time in your life you also need to surround yourself with a good support system. If you have good friends, spend quality time with them and their familys. This will help you to see what normal looks like. I also would like to suggest that you curb the boyfriend relationship because it seems very abusive as well. Remember, you need to surround yourself with good support, not abusive support. It's only bringing you down and the thing you need right now is to build up your self esteem. Have boys that are friends, not "boyfriends". That will come later when you are in a better place emotionally and mentally. All in due time. Now is the time to love yourself and be good to yourself. You need to eliminate the toxicity in your life in order to be healthy. Gravitate towards healthier friends and relationships. I think in time you will see a happier you. As you change more positively, others will too. Good luck to you and peace!